Wednesday, September 15, 2021 at 10:30 AM
ONLINE Los Angeles, CA
A newbie asked if it was better to begin exploring with someone with no experience/outside of the Lifestyle community, or someone inside the community with experience.

Some minor exploration with someone who isn't fully aware of BDSM and all it entails can be harmless enough, but it matters a great deal WHAT you are interesting in exploring. Things that seem simple enough can actually be physically risky without education if not actual experience.

Bondage is a good example. Most injuries occur involving bondage, inside and outside the kinky community. We had a famous case here in Tennessee, where a couple was playing around with bondage -- and they had never sought any education in BDSM safety precautions, never participated within our community at all -- and the husband ended up dead. She left him bound alone in an unsafe way. There is a right way to tie someone up, and a wrong way. There are ways to be prepared when something unexpected happens. They found out the hard way.

Unfortunately, you can just as easily find someone in the kink community, someone who may have been practicing BDSM for some time, who hasn't bothered to educate themselves in safety, and they can put you in risky situations just as easily as the "inexperienced." This is why educating yourself by reading, talking, asking questions, and getting to know as many people in your local BDSM community as possible is so important-- so at least you know the way it should be done so you can recognize when it's wrong.

The inexperienced also may not understand how vital honest communication is, or how important it is that you both know how and when to say NO in a way that will absolutely be understood and respected. Misunderstandings can be minor glitches or terrible accidents.

The inexperienced will be less prepared to deal with the unexpected. I had a friend call me long distance in an absolute panic, not sure if she needed to go to the emergency room because she and her partner were doing something they had never done before, made a simple mistake, and it had an outcome that neither was expecting. That can happen to anyone, and luckily she had someone with experience to go to to help her know what to do.

The inexperienced are also less likely to understand the emotional risks. BDSM is a powerful magic. You may find that your reaction to something wasn't what you thought it would be, and your partner won't know how to give you the emotional support you need to process it.

All this is important because so often when we start to explore desires that have been repressed for so long, we fall prey to something we call "sub frenzy." You're like a kid in the candy store, you want everything and you want it now. You may need some help to protect yourself from yourself.

In my opinion, exploring with someone with at least an awareness of the BDSM lifestyle is safer, and more likely to give you what you want, but nothing is guaranteed. It all depends on your partner.

You should understand that you will find several sub-species of dominants in our lifestyle. There's the Creepy Dom, yes. The reasons to avoid him are self-evident.

There's also the Fresh-Meat Dominant: one who is particularly turned on by newbies and pursues them like a shark smelling b***d in the water, for a variety of reasons.

He may be totally inexperienced -- sometimes dangerously inexperienced, even within our community -- who desires you because you won't know just how inexperienced he is, and he will lie rather than admit the truth. It's not wrong or shameful to be new at this on either side; it is reprehensible to misrepresent yourself and not be actively trying to improve your knowledge, sharing the learning curve honestly with your partner. Avoid this one because he can really hurt you. (And when/if he does, he will run for the hills faster than you can say Safe, Sane and Consensual.)

He may be a wannabe -- one who isn't really a dominant at all, but just a guy using it as an excuse to get laid by someone whom he thinks is easy, and willing to do stuff his wife or past girlfriends wouldn't. Some of these guys thinking being dominant means unlimited blow jobs on demand. Avoid him, because he's not interested in meeting your needs at all.

Then there is the truly experienced dominant who seeks out fresh meat because it is a rush for him. Your inexperience excites him, because he loves the thrill of introducing you to all the sensations. He gets to experience that initial delight -- something he may have lost -- vicariously through your joy and passion.

There's really nothing wrong with this, if he is honest and upfront about what he is offering you: fun, excitement and experience -- but very likely no possibility for a lasting, significant relationship. He probably already has a submissive partner and has no intention of trading her for you. Often these dominants are the best teachers; the problem lies in the risk to your heart.

The Catch 22 of D/s is that we subs have a built-in tendency to go absolutely ga-ga for the dom; our appetite for them is enormous, and the more we submit, the more control we are willing to give up to them. We don't intend to fall in love with them, it just happens.

It's also a sad fact -- i just got through talking to another newbie about this -- that our first experiences seems so earth-shattering, we can't imagine that the other person doesn't feel the same intense connection. But often they don't.

When I started with my master, i made the mistake of thinking that because it was so ENORMOUS for me, that it must be for him. I thought, "ohmigod, we must be soul mates! He's the master I've been looking for all my life, and i must be the perfect slave for him. Everybody talks about this but I've found it!"

I really believed that. Our interactions changed my life so completely, i just couldn't believe that it wasn't the same for him.

Truth was -- as I found a little ways down the road -- that this was a very familiar road for him. He'd been through this "honeymoon" of D/s -- that intense connection, the passion, the excitement that can only come in the very beginning of the relationship -- with various slaves all his life. I know several of them, and they have all felt the exact same way.

This can lead to a good bit of pain for the sub when it ends. I fell hard for him from the very beginning; it was some time later when he fell in love with me, that I became more than just a plaything for him. I went through a painful period of disillusionment in between my love for him and his for me. Maybe if i'd understood the dynamics I'd have dealt with it better.

Also watch out for the Collector Dominant. He has one or more submissives already, and wants to add you to his harem. Again, nothing wrong with this if you go into it with open eyes, keeping both hands on your heart. All too often, the sub finds herself hopelessly entangled and ends up in a relationship that's painful, and sacrifices many things she wants for what she can get.

I'm willing to know if you're ready to that submissive to me and be used for SEXUAL PLEASURES xx.
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